The Curious Nightmares of Sasuke Uchiha
by MoonsandRoses
Summary: Sasuke labors through strange nightmares. Illusions of Itachi, Naruto, and Naruto's, ah, feminine side try to help Sasuke grapple with his stunted emotions. Naturally, Sasuke is not cooperative with The Ghosts of Ninjas Past or Imaginary. Will Sasuke acknowledge Naruto's feelings, or even return them? Will the ridiculous nightmares ever end? SasuNaru, M-rated for safety.
1. Chapter 1 - An Unexpected Nightmare

Midday heat threatened to scorch the skin right off Sasuke's aching back. He swung his _katana_ back and forth along the grassy horizon before his eyes, ignoring the subtle beauty in the swaying meadow that encompassed him. All he saw were invisible foes, bent on destruction and mayhem. But not as much destruction as Sasuke wished to wreak.

He traced circles in the air, then slashed back and forth with a vengeance fit to cut the air to ribbons he meant to leave hanging in the sky. In his mind, a hundred maimed bodies swiftly piled up all around him, limbs and torsos red, but empty eye sockets reddest of all. In his pretend battles, Sasuke preferred to target eyes first. Whether that was fitting or ironic for an Uchiha, he couldn't tell, and didn't care.

No matter how high the piles of carnage mounted in his imagination, the meadow grasses continued to sway slowly and lightly. Everything felt serene, yet suspended, like the grassy carpet was about to take to the skies, carrying Sasuke away on soft green wings flirting with the wind.

But there was no wind.

Sasuke sowed another hundred make-believe bodies around him before fatigue made his back ache further, ratcheting waves of pain up his spine in time with the waving of the grasses. All too soon, the space between his eyes thrummed painfully like a nest of hornets, even after he deactivated his _sharingan._ He sheathed the _katana_ with a sharp sigh.

For a moment, all he did was concentrate on catching his breath. Then the silence around him reminded him the air was still, adding to the feeling of suspension. There wasn't even enough of a breath to make the stalks of grass whisper secrets to each other. Sasuke stared at the undulating grass, even bent down to run his fingers along the edges of the verdant blades.

But no matter how he stared, with or without the aid of his _sharingan_, he couldn't uncover the secret of movement without the wind. He even held a fistful of grass to still it, then released his grip and watched the stalks sway as if he'd never even been there.

_I must be dreaming_, Sasuke thought. He closed his eyes, then opened them, fully expecting to find himself staring at the rocky, unchanging ceiling of Orochimaru's lair. All he saw was the sky, cloudless and infinite.

_If somebody has had to audacity to snare a genjutsu over me, I swear . . ._

But then his eyes closed without his bidding, locking him in unending night, and he felt himself falling, air ghosting by his skin for the first time in this dream. If it was a dream. He couldn't be sure anymore. His mind was going numb, as if he were drowning.

He came back to himself as the darkness receded, finally liberating him to open his eyes. He was sitting with legs crossed, confused as to how he got in that position. Brown dirt, similar to the kind he saw every day in Orochimaru's lair, stretched out in all directions, even vaster than the meadow before. The sky was pink and purple above him, and strangely each direction boasted a sunset halfway complete.

_Four suns? This is ridiculous_, he griped to himself.

He rubbed his like a sleepy child, trying to gauge how much time had passed. He wondered if this was the sort of _genjutsu_ Itachi would favor. It seemed a trifle too bright, all strangeness aside.

He nearly jumped when a ragged gasp of pain met his ears. The sound seemed to come from behind, so Sasuke twisted around and rose to his feet in one fluid motion. All he saw was dirt and a setting sun, even after his _sharingan_ swirled to crimson life. But he heard more gasping behind him. His every limb stiffened as if rigor mortis had claimed him early.

He knew who was gasping. He could not mistake the rough, slightly gravelly edge to the voice for anyone, save one boy.

_Naruto._

He spun on his heel once more, _katana_ sliding out of its sheath almost before he knew he was ready to kill. Which was ironic, since he should be used to an ever-present need to kill by now.

But again, there was no one behind him. He looked all around him, growing increasingly frantic as the gasps turned into groans, then angry shouts.

"Oi, stop it!" he heard Naruto grunt by his ear. Sasuke swiveled at an angle, but still saw nothing behind him.

"I said stop it, you jerk!" This time, Naruto's voice came from above, and Sasuke cast his eyes upward. Nothing but pink and purple sky.

"Itachi!" Naruto screamed, the sound now rattling from the ground. Sasuke suppressed a shudder, grinding his teeth in fury, and looked down. All he saw was his own bare feet.

"Sasuke, Sasuke." Naruto's voice had lowered almost to a whisper, the pain deepening.

Sasuke didn't even bother to turn his head to left, even though it sounded as if Naruto was speaking in his left ear. Whatever this place was, wherever it was, he was alone.

He ground his teeth once more, and suddenly two figures snapped into focus a few yards ahead of him. A boy with sunny hair and a black and orange jacket, scrabbling on all fours with his nose barely held above the dirt. A man standing before him, long hair tied back and flowing over to melt into a black cloak sporting clouds like red sores. Sasuke didn't want to recognize either of them, since neither resembled the way he pictured them in his mind.

But he couldn't deny the familiar faces or voices. When Itachi spoke, Sasuke shivered.

"You must understand, death is necessary," Itachi said slowly to Naruto, neither of them aware of Sasuke's presence. Itachi's hand reached forward. Sasuke couldn't tell if he meant to strike Naruto across the temples, or flick him on the forehead, as was his wont when Sasuke was a child.

Sasuke watched as Naruto gritted his teeth till the incisors lengthened into fangs, breathing with desperation, like he couldn't take in enough oxygen. Naruto's muscles clenched, ready to move, but Sasuke was done watching. He hurtled forward, closing the gap quickly, his _katana_ practically singing vengefully as it sliced through the air. Both Itachi and Naruto went rigid, as if in the grip of a Nara shadow _justu,_ when Sasuke drew near.

His _katana_ kept on slicing through the air, even when he swung wide and trailed the blade right through Itachi's neck and Naruto's abdomen in one flourish. The sword passed through them, meeting no resistance. Neither of them so much as turned to glance his way. Momentum carried Sasuke's feet ever forward, and no amount of his digging in his heels could halt his progress. It was as useless as gripping water with oil thrown on top of it.

Biting down on his bottom lip till it bled, Sasuke passed right through Naruto and Itachi, like light dancing through a prism. They were still frozen like living icicles. He hissed as his feet finally found the traction they desired, and he stopped so quickly he had to blink and shake himself. Now he was several yards away from them once again.

He turned slowly, a little confused to find them moving again. Naruto was shaking his head as he looked at the ground, and Itachi was blinking impassively and reaching forward. Sasuke sped up his motions to dash over and stand beside them. He repressed the urge to continue slashing and will the illusions to become corporeal. The figures froze, Itachi still reaching but unable to close the gap, Naruto still staring downwards with mouth gaping to take in air.

For a time, Sasuke stared at them in their stillness. The illusions refused to move. He was close enough to smack both of them upside the head, and he would have, if he didn't know his hands would just pass through the base of their skulls. He turned away to glare at three of the four suns in turn. Then he heard Itachi's voice again.

"If you want a choice, Naruto, you'll still have to choose death or death," said Itachi. "It boils down to death for whom. Yourself, or my brother."

Sasuke whipped round again, only to see that Itachi and Naruto went motionless again. But it looked like Naruto had raised his head a little. Sasuke stared, waiting for Naruto to break the trance and yell his lungs out. Still, no one, not even Sasuke himself, moved. Wrinkling his nose in annoyance, Sasuke turned away. Immediately, Naruto's voice assaulted his eardrums.

"Jerk! Neither of us are dying! Not even if Sasuke makes the rest of the shinobi world ready to skin him alive. Do you know why he's tried to kill me, and never does?"

Snarling and forgetting himself in his rage, Sasuke whirled around and drove his _katana_ through Naruto's ribcage. Chagrined, but not surprised, it passed through seamlessly, without any damage done. But now Naruto was frozen with his eyes lifted up to glare at Itachi and his legs gathered together to rise. Sasuke withdrew his _katana_ and sheathed it once more, studying Naruto's determined face, noting the hardened jaw and inflamed whisker marks. He was angry at himself for trying to stab a projected image.

Sasuke had failed to kill his friend time and again. But after he got out of here, once he drew close to the real flesh and blood Uzumaki, Sasuke would change that.

_It's more fitting to wait until you have become the ultimate challenge, Naruto,_ Sasuke thought. _The more we mature, the deeper your understanding of my rage will be, when I watch the light bleed from your eyes, and you die by my hand._

With that thought, he turned away and walked to put a few yards' distance between them. This time, he would stay turned away and hear his brother in blood and his brother in arms out, without interruption.

"He tries and fails to kill you because you are two sides of the same coin," said Itachi. "It's hard to strangle your own shadow, or stab your own reflection. But, Naruto, you are the shadow. You are the reflection. You know that shadows can strangle, and that reflections can show what no one wants to accept. He can't kill you, but you can and will kill him, unless you sacrifice yourself in his place."

Sasuke felt a dozen emotions, most them tied to fury, swirling in his stomach. He marveled and wondered how Itachi, even a pretend one, could dare say that Naruto was sufficient where Sasuke was lacking? Sasuke knew was more than capable of killing both of them, right here and now, if they were real!

He longed to turn around and slice his _katana_ across Itachi's expressionless red eyes, but he refrained. Dear though lashing out was to him, since it gave him a vent for feelings he'd rather not dwell upon, here it served no purpose. His frustration only grew after lashing out.

So he stood motionless, like a statue playing sentry, like to two figures behind him, and listened.

"Not happening, you crazy jerk!" Naruto's voice was rumbling like a rock slide. "I may be an idiot, but I've defied pretty much everything there is in this world, and it hasn't done me in yet! I found a way to change the heart of another _Jinchuuriki._ And I restored my senior student, bearing my same last name and studying from the same master. I'm even slowly winning the acceptance of my village. I'll win Sasuke over, too, you can count on it!"

"The only way to win Sasuke is to lose yourself," said Itachi sadly. His tone tugged on heartstrings Sasuke thought he severed long ago. Sasuke seethed inside, furious that Itachi could still move him so much. "Have you not noticed, Naruto? Sasuke only treasures the dead, after they are no longer there for him to ignore. You want to reach Sasuke? You want him to consider you precious? Die by his fury and haunt him as a ghost!"

Naruto laughed, the sound harsher than any sound Sasuke remembered coming from him. Harsher even than his growls when Naruto was in the throes of _kyuubi chakra_ in The Valley of the End.

"You want that done? Do it yourself, jerk!" Naruto retorted. Sasuke heard a thump, and then another. He supposed that Naruto was smacking Itachi, or that he simply thumped his own chest to emphasize his words. Or both. Knowing Naruto, Sasuke assumed it was probably both. Naruto went on, "I know Sasuke's in pain. I know he thinks violence is all he has left. I want to show him he can have a family if he's willing to let me, and Sakura, and Kakashi, and the rest of our friends in. He's going to be jerk and make things hard, but I believe, I have to believe even he can't bear being alone forever. He's the way he is because he was alone so long. Some day, he'll let me in. I just have to keep knocking."

"Knocking?" Itachi chuckled. "More like blasting everything in sight. You truly are his mirrored image. Very well, Naruto. If you won't die, I suppose that role will fall to me instead."

"Well," Naruto drawled, "if you stopped being a jerk, maybe we could work on changing Sasuke together. Can't promise anything, though. Uchiha seem to be natural jerks." And then he laughed and laughed and laughed.

Unable to stand to listen any further, Sasuke whirled around once more. Itachi was still reaching out, but Naruto stood farther away from him now, pointing to one of the setting suns and grinning from ear to ear. They didn't freeze this time.

He was sure Naruto couldn't hear him, any more than his sword could leave marks on Naruto's image. But still Sasuke spoke his mind aloud. "You can't change me, Naruto. Get a clue and give up for once. If anything, I'll change you, because you'll die realizing that life is even more bitter than you ever imagined."

Sasuke was done with this illusion world, and he was going to break out if it killed him. He turned away from the illusions of Itachi and Naruto for the last time and strode confidently toward one of the setting suns. He stopped dead in his tracks, hair on the nape of his neck standing even more upright than it was wont, as Naruto's voice whispered in his ear.

"You've already changed me, Sasuke. That's a part of our bond of friendship, and why you want to break it. That's why I want to return the favor. That's why I will return the favor, _dattebayo!"_

Feeling the beginnings of a headache creeping into his skull, Sasuke turned around, biting words already rising from his tongue.

"Naruto, you fool!"

But no one, not even an illusion, was behind him. Itachi's and Naruto's likenesses had melted away.

Lips curling wryly, Sasuke faced one of the suns once more. He knew everyone always, always wanted something from him.

_No matter who they are, they will only get vengeance shoved down their throats._

As if summoned by the darkness in his heart, streaks of black began bleeding into the pink and purple sky, like spilled ink. In a moment, the sky looked as it would like a night bereft of stars, dark and infinite, terrifying to the creatures of the day. But to an avenger like Sasuke, it was a balm familiar and welcoming, blocking out everything he would rather not see.

Suddenly the dirt all around was replaced with a grassy meadow like the first, as if trying to defy the approaching darkness with vibrant life. The grasses even swayed like the first meadow did. Still the blackness descended to the grasses, surging and swallowing like a tide of oblivion. Finally, the green grasses stilled to sway no more, and in a moment, they winked out in the darkness.

The darkness enveloped Sasuke as well, and he relaxed, seeing and feeling nothing. This was the sort of dream he preferred. Here he could rest, forgetting that anything, good or bad, had ever happened to him. Soon he would awaken, more refreshed than usual, and he could go back to the business of wreaking havoc on the bloody mess that was his reality. 

* * *

><p>Author's Note:<p>

Thanks for reading, darlings! I love exploring the subtleties of character relationships, as well as the psyche of the characters themselves. This is how I deal with all the feels I have for these characters. Strange how you can feel even closer to people that only exist in one's mind, than people you know in real life. Or maybe not strange at all, since fiction has little or no boundaries.

Please rate and review, I'd love to hear your thoughts!


	2. Chapter 2 - An Illuminating Nightmare

Darkness receded, like tendrils of smoke clearing away from a breathe of fresh air. Sasuke could feel grass tickling his back, outstretched arms, and legs as he lay. He cursed inwardly. He was still dreaming! He was supposed to awaken in Orochimaru's lair by now, he was sure of it!

But where was he this time? Sasuke shot upright, rising to his feet so quickly that he had to close his eyes again and stand as still as possible, wavering under a dizzy spell. He breathed slowly, already starting to bristle with annoyance.

This dizziness felt more real than anything had felt in his previous dream. He wondered if he were still locked in a strange dream, or if he could finally rest assured he was awake. He guessed Orochimaru had taken him somewhere in his sleep. He was ready for a dose of reality. And also ready to give Orochimaru a piece of his mind for taking him anywhere without his consent.

The dizzy spell passed, and he no longer had to hold his arms at his sides to keep them from reaching out for a solid handhold. His eyes popped open, and to his chagrin, he was back in a meadow. A meadow under a blue sky, with grasses that didn't move in make-believe wind. But still, a meadow. His annoyance flared like a rising flame.

_How long are these dreams going to last, anyway?_ he thought, glaring around at the insufferable excess of cheery green. Refusing to accept this dreamworld as a valid place to spend his time, he plopped down again and crossed his legs on the grass. Then he crossed his arms, squeezed his eyes shut, and tipped his nose in the air, to further express his displeasure to all and sundry. Even though there was no sundry at all to watch him.

"Sasuke?"

Sasuke felt a chill dance along his spine. Not quite as bad as the chills that were his constant companions in Orochimaru's presence, but still quite noxious. It was a high, far-too-sugary voice whining in his ears. There was a gravelly edge to it that made him think of Naruto, and wish he were here in the place of whatever besotted girl was going to assault him. _Even Sakura or Kakashi would be preferable,_ he mused. Shucks,_ maybe even Juugo or Suigetsu or Karin._

He opened his eyes, surveying the green carpet around him. Nothing but grasses hedging him in on all sides. His eyebrows rose of their own volition.

_Maybe whoever had the annoying voice had fallen off an obliging cliff?_

"Sasukeeee? Sasuke, is that you?"

Sasuke marveled; the voice had gotten even shriller in a matter of seconds. He wanted to plug his ears. Another sweep of the grasses with his eyes, winking his _sharingan_ on and off; still, he saw nothing.

_Great_, he thought. _A disembodied voice to drive me mad. As if I'm not already teetering on some unseen edge. _Sasuke frowned. _Did I just admit I'm emotionally, perhaps mentally, imbalanced, or at least really close?_

"Of course you did, teme! This is a dream. This is where reality is either totally rejected, or accepted in a light you never would imagine in real life."

This time the honey-drowned whining came from directly behind him. Reluctantly, Sasuke craned his neck to look behind him. There stood a girl with long, curly yellow pigtails sticking out from over each ear. She bent downward, till her lashes were almost close enough to stab him. She had blue eyes, the color intense as only one pair of eyes he knew. And she had faded marks dusting her cheeks that look suspiciously similar to whiskers.

No wonder he'd thought of Naruto. His fist rose to punch the impudent face far away from his own. The girl stood up, giggly madly as his attack missed her completely.

"Feisty, as always!" she shrieked, shaking her head at him like he was a five-year-old threatening to throw his vegetables out the window.

"Naruto, get out of my dream. I can't leave, but I'm sure you can," Sasuke groused. He was angry because, by all rights, that strike should have connected. His movements were sluggish, and he knew it had to be the dream's fault. He was beginning to miss the dream with Itachi and Naruto talking behind his back.

"Why would I want to? Besides, I'm not exactly Naruto," the girl went on, beaming. "I'm a little more, ah, normal than his _jutsu-_version self." She glanced down significantly at an average-sized bust and waist beneath a simple orange jumpsuit. "You can call me Naru-chan, by the way."

"I don't have to call you anything. You're leaving," Sasuke spat, turning back around. Partly because he didn't want to have to talk to her, partly because his neck was aching from the craning.

"Oh, but I'm here to stay, stay, stay!" the girl sang out, jumping around like she'd just challenged herself to a game of hopscotch. Her last bounce landed her in a rumpled heap by Sasuke's shoulder. She gathered her legs beneath her and stuck her nose in the air.

"This is fun!" she cried, crossing her eyes for emphasis before scrunching them shut. "No wonder you do it all the time! The air smells so fresh from this vantage point!"

"Don't mock me! You look ridiculous," said Sasuke, glaring.

The girl burst out laughing, eyes popping open again. "How do you think YOU look?" she asked, when she caught her breath back. "Fabulous, of course." She sighed and laid her head on his shoulder.

Sasuke promptly inched away, and without any support, her head fell to the grass with a muffled _thunk._ Sasuke sniffed.

"Heh, and you think _I'm_ the drama queen!" Naru-chan snorted, still lying midst the green carpet, her voice slightly muffled by blades of grass.

"Why are you even here?" Sasuke asked.

Naru-chan shot back up. "Yay, a relevant remark!" she cried, clapping her hands. "I'm here to help you come to terms with your feelings, of course. Consider me the dream version of Naruto, if he were female and a little less impulsive and decided to go into full-time therapy."

Sasuke stared, not processing what she was saying at all. The girl babbled on, heedless of his shock. "Remember that Haku boy?" she asked, twiddling her thumbs. "Haku helped Naruto decide that protecting his precious people was important to him, an integral part of his ninja way and his dream of becoming Hokage. He appeared to Naruto as a girl then, since Naruto wouldn't recognize him, and also so he would be more open and off-guard. So I'm doing to same for you."

"Why?" Sasuke asked.

"Well, because Naruto is the only person who can remind you that you _actually have feelings_," said Naru-chan. "Haku didn't move you all that much. Naruto did. Moved you so much, you didn't even know you were moving, until you moved right into a hail of _senbon_. Right?" She winked, first with one eye, then with the other, fizzling to keep from rolling on the grass with laughter.

Sasuke's glare deepened. "I meant, why are you here to talk about feelings?" he demanded.

"Because you won't talk to Naruto in reality, so I have to use a dream," Naru-chan answered, matter-of-fact except for the pout in her lower lip. "Dreams are great, because they exaggerate truth till you're forced to accept it, or exaggerate untruth till you stop believing it. I think I said that before, so don't make me say it again. Man, kiddo, do you need to drop some baggage and take on a new worldview!"

For a moment, Sasuke said nothing, just seething with the girl's sheer audacity. She was trying to arrange him like a vase of flowers. Then he said, "You know what tells me you're not Naruto?"

"What?"

"Vocabulary."

Naru-chan giggled. "I'll take that as a compliment," she said. "Possibly the first you've ever given. Time to throw up a monument!" She waved her arms grandly.

"You do that," said Sasuke, rising to his feet and walking away.

Naru-chan was on her feet and trotting contentedly by his side almost before he could blink. He glared at her, and she just grinned. "Hun," she whispered, tone conspiratorial, "I know you try to make people, especially girls, go away with that. But I feel obligated to say, it doesn't work. Especially on girls. It's more like a smolder. A _killer _smolder."

Sasuke jerked his head away to stare ahead.

"So, Sasuke," the girl drawled on, starting to skip in tandem with his pace, "what is precious to you? What do you want to protect more than anything?"

Sasuke said nothing, still staring ahead, wishing for the moment he didn't actually have peripheral vision.

"Ah, silent treatment!" said Naru-chan, her voice sounding quite pleased. "Excellent, I know I hit a soft spot. Now to really drive it home. You care about family. So does Naruto. Why cut your ties with him? Neither of you have a family any more. You're each other's family, along with the rest of your team. Don't forget Sakura or Kakashi."

"I'll forget whomever I choose," said Sasuke. "They don't matter."

"I thought you were giving me the silent treatment?" Naru-chan giggled again, then her voice took on an earnest tone. "You don't forget your clan, though. They matter. That's your whole life, your dead relatives. Them, and your one living brother who has made your life hell, because he couldn't bear to kill you."

"Silence!" Sasuke turned on his heel, aiming one fist for the girl's jawline and the other for her stomach. But his muscles wouldn't move at top speed, no matter how he willed them. Slowly his fists advanced, and the girl simply stepped out of their range. Sasuke dug his feet into the grass to slow his momentum as he swung wide. Once his arms finished the swing, he held them rigid at his sides. Gritting his teeth in annoyance, he remained fixed where he was, hoping the girl would walk on babbling to no one in particular.

But the girl simply skipped up to stand before him, crossing her arms and clearing her throat.

"Fire _jutsu_ is a trademark of your clan," she went on, voice almost as animated as the real Naruto. "And Itachi put you through fire in the hopes that you'd rise from the ashes and take flight. He even gave you a fierce hatred, the only thing that could overcome the love you had for him, so that one day you could take on his eyes and his legacy. Totally messed up, but also an incredible sacrifice, and a dark gift, Sasuke. And he gave it to _you_."

Sasuke turned away and covered his ears, frustrated that such an pitiful action was all that was left to him, since killing this girl was denied him.

"And do you know what he gave Naruto? Do you?" the girl cried, voice growing shriller as she jumped to stand in front of him again, blue eyes big and angry and relentless. "He gave Naruto his burden of looking after you!" She poked his shoulder at the end of each sentence for emphasis. "Basically, he made Naruto family." Poke. "An honorary Uchiha to look after one of the last true Uchiha." Poke. "And what have you done, to thank either of them?" Poke. "Not a damn thing, you brat!" This time she slapped him across the cheek.

Sasuke didn't even flinch, but his eye twitched. He had never wanted to stab anyone more desperately in his life, and he knew it wouldn't be worth the effort. He'd fail and feel humiliated.

After letting him stew for a while, the girl went on. "Do you know why Itachi trusts Naruto? Why Naruto keeps trying to bring you back?" she asked, voice softening a little, the shrill edge creeping away. "Please tell me I don't have to spell everything out for you. There's one other elephant sitting in this meadow, and even though I'm not really Naruto, it's gonna be hell trying to talk about it."

"You really don't," said Sasuke wearily, massaging his temples with his fingertips. He was developing a headache that would make a demon cry. "You could've stopped talking a long time ago."

"Well then," said Naru-chan, pinching the bridge of her nose, "let me stop now, and just say you already know what I mean when I talk about Naruto and his feelings."

"Duh," Sasuke said, sniffing again. "The _dobe_ isn't shy about feelings. He's vocal enough to drown out all other sounds. He thinks he's my brother, as you say, and will never stop trying to make me believe I can go back to the village and be blissfully happy. Like him."

"And?" Naru-chan prompted.

"And what?" Sasuke asked, giving up on making the headache go away and crossing his arms.

"Ugh, you're impossible!" Naru-chan practically exploded, yelling in his face and stabbing her forefinger accusingly at his breastbone. "Not even _you _can be this oblivious! Fine, I'm spelling it out for you! The poor kid's in love with you, same as he is with Sakura! And you just go right on your moody way, doing everything you can to break his heart. And his heart does break. It breaks over and over, but he. Still. Tries. To. Bring. Your. Bratty. Ass. Back. To. Konoha."

Sasuke's jaw dropped as his _sharingan_ activated without his knowledge, looking for all the world like a red-eyed fish thrown out of water.

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, don't play dumb, Uchiha!" the girl shrieked, face turning almost purple. "We all know you're a genius. EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO MAKING GOOD LIFE CHOICES!"

"What the hell?!" Sasuke bellowed.

Naru-chan grinned. "Oh, sorry, have I upset you?" she asked, not sincere in her apology in the least.

"Are you insane?" Sasuke asked, crossing his arms. "Naruto is not in-"

"Oh, yeah?" Naru-chan countered, waving her arms. "Why do you think he couldn't stand to be weaker than you? Just rivalry? Yeah, right! Why do you think he keeps interrupting his ninja training, which he needs if he's going to become Hokage, to chase after you? Why do you think he promised Sakura to bring you back? Why do you think he was so upset when you _attacked the five Kage summit_, when you tried to _kill Sakura_? It wasn't just his love for Sakura, you fool!"

Sasuke stared till he was sure he _sharingan_ was permanently strained, gobsmacked and pretty sure he was reddening at the ears as well.

"Face it, Sasuke," said Naru-chan, hands on her hips, eyes spitting blue fire till he half expected to be fried with a blast of chidori. "You may only treat him as the memory of a friend, but he sure as hell doesn't feel that way about you. He told you the only way to stop him is to kill him, and if he dies, he'll drag you down with him and continue the relationship in the afterlife. Where _hopefully_, you'll be more accepting and receptive. "

"You're completely mad," said Sasuke.

"Only because you seem more comfortable around crazy people," said Naru-chan, smiling. Sasuke opened his mouth to contradict, but Naru-chan interrupted. "One word for you, dearie: Orochimaru."

Sasuke couldn't think of anything to rebuff that. So he went for another topic. "Dear though your fantasy is to you," he said, "I know Naruto has been besotted with Sakura and Sakura alone. He can't love us both."

"Oh, but he can!" said Naru-chan, nodding vigorously. "Every cliché in the book fits you guys like a glove. You're the apples of his eyes. Sakura is a precious flower, and you are the stars guiding him home. She brings out everything tender in him, and you bring out everything tenacious in him, and together you both make him stronger."

Sasuke shook his head. This was, without a doubt, the most ridiculous dream he had ever known. _What the hell did Orochimaru put in my food?_ he wondered. It was the only explanation he could offer to himself. His master must be trying to mess with his psyche again, trying to turn him into an even more shatter-souled vessel.

Sasuke knew there was no way the _dobe_ could feel that way. _I know him,_ he thought. _He thinks I didn't notice, but I did. I'm no idiot. Who did Naruto pester for dates day in, day out? Who did he try to peek at during visits to host springs? Who got his biggest grins, thumbs-up poses, and unspoken oaths of eternal fealty? Who did Naruto want a picture with whenever a camera appeared? Who did Naruto miss if he was given a mission to help another team? Sakura, Sakura, Sakura. _

Naru-chan reached out to pat his shoulder, but Sasuke coldly brushed her off. Her depth-less eyes hardened. "I can hear your thoughts, you know," she said. "And that's all true. But guess what also is true? Who did Naruto want to acknowledge his own strength more than anyone? Whose eyes did he want to meet his when he had a point to make? Who taught him to value himself? Who motivated him most?" She spread her arms wide, like she was about to take off in flight. "On top of that," the girl kept spouting, "he's accepted that Sakura doesn't return any feelings beyond camaraderie yet. He pesters her, sure, but he backs off when she tells him. _Guess who he never, ever backs off from, no matter how deep the rejection_?"

Something snapped inside Sasuke. He didn't know what it was, or even that something was close to breaking in his heart or mind. He'd taken such care to make sure his heart was a barren wasteland, and his mind a breeding ground for revenge's masterpieces. He ran a hand through his hair, a thousand objections swirling through his mind.

To his surprise, the meadow grasses around him began to sway softly, but this time, he definitely felt the whisper of a wind on his cheeks.

"Don't you dare tell me that's tough for you to accept," Naru-chan went on. "Denial is for when you're young and naive. You're growing up, so act like it. Naruto loves you and wants you back. Deal with it. I know you can handle it. You can handle anything. Your master is a man whose name is synonymous with pedophilia and necrophilia and everything else that makes you shiver with dread under your covers at night."

Sasuke almost wanted to laugh—the description of Orochimaru was more accurate than he would ever admit.

"You had better stop this," he said simply. "Nothing you can say will convince me that Naruto doesn't feel anything beyond a silly need to keep his perceived friends in the village." His own voice rang with finality, but to his surprise and annoyance, he felt a thread of doubt worming its way inside him.

He _still_ couldn't wrap his head around Naruto's obsession with bringing him back. A small voice was telling him that the desperation of unrequited feelings made way too much sense. Rage began boiling within him as that voice mused that Naruto's obsession with him was like the lover's version of his obsession with Itachi.

He saw Naru-chan smiling at him. "Whose obsession do you think is stronger?" she asked slyly, obviously reading his mind again. "My vote's with my male counterpart."

Sasuke was heartily sick of all of this nonsense. "Leave," he said. He adjusted the lavender rope around his waist, and he started walking away, blinking at the sky above him, willing his thoughts to grow still. He wouldn't think about this. He _wouldn't_.

"Not just yet," Naru-chan said behind him, her voice floating in a way that was almost-ghost like. Her playfulness was gone, and he hoped it would never come back. "I've woken your awareness, but I need to know you're accepting things."

"I accept nothing," said Sasuke, voice hollow. "Except the fact that I must and will kill Itachi. Everything else means nothing."

"You wish." Naru-chan was walking alongside him again, sighing. "Listen. Please. For you own sake, I need you to acknowledge he loves you, and that you feel something, even if it's only a shadow of friendship, for him. That's my job here, and if I don't do it, she will."

Now it was Sasuke's temper that snapped. He stopped dead in his tracks and turned to her. "How many people are going to come to me and try to turn me into some sap who acts_ like his entire clan never got murdered_?" he hissed.

"I'm not asking you to forget your clan!" Naru-chan exclaimed, grabbing his shoulders and shaking them. She almost looked like she wanted to cry as well, blue eyes misting a little. But quick as thought, she smirked. Playfulness flashed back to her eyes as she asked, "Oops, I made you mad again, didn't I?" Then the mischievousness was gone again, eyes turning steely, and she dug her fingernails into his shoulders.

Her voice lowered to a grave whisper. "Sasuke, Sasuke. I'm asking you to stop trying to cut your ties to Naruto. You need to do it here, of your own volition, with your dignity intact. Trust me." She shuddered with a deep breath, very tense beneath her orange jumpsuit. "You didn't take to heart what the projections of Sasuke or Naruto were saying," she went on. "That's why I appeared. I'm the next level up. If you reject my words too, this is gonna escalate in a way you _really_ don't want to explore. If you think I'm crazy, who knows what you'll think of . . ." She didn't even bother finish.

But at that moment, all Sasuke cared about was that this girl looked truly ruffled and uncomfortable for the first time since she appeared. He grinned mockingly at her. "But didn't you say I could handle _anything_?" he asked.

Her hands left his shoulders, and one of them slapped his head with such force, it rolled to the side, and Sasuke even saw a star or two. Either the slap didn't sting, or Sasuke was too amused to feel pain. He looked back at her, smile widening. "Looks like I made _you_ mad," he said. He omitted the "oops" because Uchiha never allowed such undignified terms to pass their lips.

"Ugh, I _really_ don't know _what_ Naruto sees in you!" Naru-chan waved her arms wildly. "Or Sakura. They should get together, name one of their trillion kids after you, and train him to be a Sasuke that actually gives a crap." She kicked a few tufts of grass, and grabbed her blond ponytails to stop them from swirling in the mounting wind. Sasuke's loose clothing billowed a little, but he didn't mind. Maybe the wind would grow stronger and carry this obnoxious girl away for good.

For a moment, she stood with her back to Sasuke. Then she turned to look over her shoulder and hollered, "Have fun with Naruto's _Sexy No Justu_. I hope she makes you beg to go back to talking to me, you bastard!"

Then she ran away, orange figure growing smaller and smaller in the grassy distance. Sasuke shook his head and stretched himself out on the grass, cradling the back of his head in his hands.

_Sexy No Jutsu_? _Like I ever had a problem dealing with that illusion!_

Sasuke was quite sure that, for all this girl's bi-polar foreboding, the next nightmare would probably just feature Sakura-chan using tears and fists and kunai to appeal to a better nature he didn't possess. 

* * *

><p>Author's Note: Thanks for reading, darlings! If you're wondering, the orange jumpsuit and "Oops!" comments are indeed references to a Britney Spears song. Because my crack-addict muse wanted to go to town when it realized Naru-chan would be a blonde in an orange jumpsuit, and wouldn't listen to me. It's still not listening, which is why the next chapter will indeed have way too much of the Sexy No Justu, despite my misgivings. If you're not keen on Girl!Naruto taunting our Sassy and possibly earning this fic's M-rating, the next chapter is not for you.<p>

Please rate and review! Constructive criticism, or shared fangirling, is very stimulating and inspiring.


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